Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you obviously landed on your face.
Why do trolls live under bridges?
To troll goats!
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?
Because she went to woo Han.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
I'm snow bored.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
Rudder valve reversals
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
Vampires can always Count on Dracula.
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
What do you call a spider with ten eyes?
A spiiiiiiiiiider.
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