I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
You've stolen a pizza my heart.
Baby, I'm like efavirenz. I can decrease your odds of nightmares, but you still may have strong vivid dreams about me — a very common side effect.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
Heya, howl you doin'? Yikes, sorry, that was a ruff start.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
What kind of berry has a coloring book? A crayon-berry
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
I was thinking whether I should write you or not.. but honestly, there isn’t Hannah-other better choice than to
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
Gold riddance.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
I wish I had some butter for them biscuits.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
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