My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
Do you know how to dunk cookies? Ask a basketball chef.
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
Has Spotify contacted you yet? Because you are the hottest single in this club.
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
Q: What do you call a windmill swallowed up by a tornado?
A: A wind meal
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!
What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
I don't have a foot fetish, but I'm pretty into mistle-toe.
Why don’t kangaroos make good sailors?
Because they’re always jumping ship.
A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.
What does a baby vampire say before going to bed?
- Turn on the dark, I’m scared of the light.
Did you hear about the guy who was beaten by the King?
It’s a sore subject.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.
All I want is to fill that vacuum in your heart.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Levi's should pay you a royalty.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
If I can't score, can I at least get an assist?
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
Everybody romaine calm.
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
Forget a trophy wife…. I’m looking for a Sophie wife
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
Q: What did the dentist get for an award?
A: A little plaque
My pink bird friend got dumped a while ago. He was sad for a while, but now he’s singe and ready to flamingle.
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
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