We can share my yoga mat so we can become one.

Are you my appendix? Because I don't understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.

What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort

What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.

For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.

I eat eel while you peel eel

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!

What time do spacemen get up? Alien in the morning.
​

The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.

Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White

Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.

What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.

What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.

In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.

Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!

Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.

Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.

How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.

Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!

Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.

Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!

That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.

My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.

"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child

I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...

The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.

What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.

The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.

I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.

“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown

“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.

If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.

Good game--you certainly scored all your extra points with me.

A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!

“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes

What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.

Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.

Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,

“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.

What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.

What do cows like to eat for lunch?
Moo-shroom soup

Why didn’t the two algae ever have se*?
Because they had a planktonic relationship

I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.

The reason you will see all the cows lie down when it starts to rain is because they want to keep each
udder dry.