“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
You snow the drill.
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Why were there cows on the baseball field?
Because they were looking for the bullpen.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
Do you celebrate Boxing Day? Because you're the whole package.
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and people who love you. And I don't love chocolate.
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
What did the detective say after finding a calculator?
"Hmm... Now everything is starting to add up..."
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
How about I land my space shuttle in your International Space Station?
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
I was prepping the raw turkey for Thanksgiving dinner
It was fowl.
Want to lock our bikes together?
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
God was just showing off when he made you.
Excuse me, do you have a pen?
Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me...
Hold on for deer life.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
What do llamas always say after yoga class?
“Llamaste.”
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
(Rhona McFerran)
I take romance to a new level - I don't cuddle, I hibernate.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
Tomatoes are red, roses are red too. We both know what I truly love is you.
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.
Which Hollywood actor can tell his car's odometer reading without looking at it?
Miles Teller
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
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