Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
What sign was posted in the witches' parking lot?
Violators will be toad.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Don't even chai.
Scuba diving is a good hobby... if you wanna hit rock bottom.
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Are you a dog? Because I'd like to throw you a bone.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
I hope for world peas.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
Are you a bike? Because I wanna ride you until I get tired.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
My coach told me not to get my heart rate over 160 today, but then I screwed up when I saw you!
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
You must be mitochondria because you are the powerhouse of my heart.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
Are you the World Cup? ‘Cause I get excited just waiting for you.
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
My love for you is so strong it can’t be dialyzed.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
Girl, you and me are like loaves and fishes. Together we might be a miracle.
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