I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What do you get if you cross a baseball pitcher and a carpet?
A throw rug.
I'm sorry I wasn't around in the past. Can I be part of your future?
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
There’s caws for alarm.
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
"Just don't carrot all."
"I know your feet must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
My dad told me he’s not gonna eat my deviled eggs this thanksgiving.
He told me they’re possessed.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
Sedimentary rock has got nothing on the many layers of your amazing personality.
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder.
How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.
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