How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
You tell me your mantra and I’ll l tell you mine.
I want to stretch with you.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
Girl, you must be norepinephrine because you make my heart race.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Are there people following you?
Because I'm seeing someone behind your back.
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
I want you. I knead you.
You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.
Let's procreate like the snakes in the Narcisse Dens.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
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