What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.
Hurricane Irene is a Category 3, but if it had your name it be a perfect 10.
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
Where do fish save their money?
In the river bank.
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
Is this seat saved? Because I am.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
You met all of my koala-fications
A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
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