What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
Wanna meet up tonight? I hope you Leonard-on’t say no
Hey Cinderella, must be time I took you home. It’s nearly midnight!
People with 20-20 vision..
Why you didn't warn us before??
Listen, I’ve got a couple important questions and I really need Samanthas
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
What do you say to a flower after a breakup?
Get clover it.
Up for some action? I can finish with one touch.
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
Up to snow good.
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
Man: Do you work at the Bakery, cause you have a nice set of buns.
Woman: Do you work at a Grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, "I am feeling light headed."
Nothing runs a pun like bad spelling, accept poor grammar's.
Your name must be Andromeda because we are destined to collide.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
What's the wind's favourite colour?
Blew
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
The best stretches are partner stretches.
Every time I think about you, my heart’s tempo shifts from adagio to allegro.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
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