Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
Did you hear the joke about the elephant who was stuck in a tree last spring? To get down, she had to sit down on a branch and wait until fall.
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
You must be the square root of two because I'm irrational around you.
What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
Are you a pranayama teacher? Because you just took my breath away.
What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
Are you a box of BD pen needles? Because you are ultra-fine.
I love you from my head tomato
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
Are you a rusty bike? Because you gonna squeak and scream when I ride you tonight.
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
If you were coffee grounds, you’d be espresso ’cause you’re so fine.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
Are your legs tired from spinning, or because you've been running through my mind all day?
How hot does your gas oven get?
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
Date a soccer player. We can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different positions.
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