Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
Better read than dead.
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
30 Year Friendship Ends At Alter
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
It was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down.
The way you talk to me leaves me aphasic.
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
There is no glory in practice, but without practice there can be no glory. This volleyball pun is very inspirational. For you to do your best, you have to be willing to practice.
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
Sorry for cutting you in line, I was hoping you believe in love at first sight.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
I’ll never leaf you.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark, you still seem to shine.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
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