Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Sadie.
Sadie who?
Sadie magic word and watch me disappear!

My coffee is really hot. But you're hotter.

What do we call an airplane that cannot take off? It is called an error plane.

I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.

How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.

If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?

I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.

The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.

Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers

I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.

“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“

A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.

For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"

My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”

How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.

Want to break the wishbone? I’m wishing for a date with you.

What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."

“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin

You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."

Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."

And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."

(Martin Gardner)

My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.

“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”

Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.

Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.

What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.

The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)

"Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you"

Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)

What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.

“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.

If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz

What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy all over in the morning.

What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.

Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.

"I Hate Peanut Butter"

These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!

– Innarenko

"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous

The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.

When it’s raining, a turtle goes to a shell-ter.

"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.

What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.

Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!

If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?

I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.

You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.

The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement.

What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.

Were you arrested today? It must be illegal to look so beautiful.

What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.