The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?
It was due the second hand smoke
May I have your number, so we stop being strangers?
If I was a chessboard, I'd be lucky to have a queen like you.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
Are you Spotify? Cause I can listen to you all day.
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
You better beer-live it!
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
As it snow happens.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
If you're here for pee jokes, urine luck.
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
There's something gorgeous about your eyes...
Oh, that's it! It's my reflection.
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
I just brushed my teeth, ladies.
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
A slow poke is what you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
I like my girls how I like my Covid.
19 and easily spread.
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
Can I Alp you?
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
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