You leave me Wonton more.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Donut
Donut who?
Donut open til Christmas!
Did you get your license suspended for driving so many guys crazy?
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back.”
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
Just call me milk. I'll do your body good.
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
What do sloths throw in winter? Slowballs.
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
Won't you wear my ring up around your neck
To tell the world I'm yours by heck!
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
I don’t know how to spell beautiful. all I know is without u, it’s impossible.
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
Woah! You look like I need a drink.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
My Spotify sucks. It showed me the hottest singles, and missed you out!
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
Where do recluses live in Spain?
Barceloner.
What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
You knead me in your loaf.
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
“The North Pole doesn’t import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.”
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
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