They call me Ace, because you just got served.
Hey, remember back when we were a thing… Yeah… Good times.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
Do you want to be my lab partner? I think we could have some great chemistry together.
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
I like you so much that I’ll give you my real number. Not the fake ones I give to all the other guys.
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
How is a pig’s tail like 4 o’clock in the morning? It’s twirly.
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
Your bible would look great on my nightstand.
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
I’m directing a play about a boy who broke his arm.
You should see the cast.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
I've never made an incomplete pass, and I hope you won't be my first.
If you were a Transformer you'd be Optimus Fine!
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
Have you ever driven a boat? Try to park it on my dock.
If there was no gravity on this planet, I would still fall for you.
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
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