What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
Do you know what is the favorite key of the astronauts?
The Spacebar.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
When the drivers ran out of fuel in the grassland, they refueled their tanks with grass-oline!
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married.
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
I think you are suffering from a lack of Vitamin Me.
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
There was a vampire named Vlad
The Village all thought he was bad
But the true story
Just wasn't gory
It turns out Vlad was just sad.
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
‘I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!’
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
He had lost his guts.
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
I’m like planet Neptune. I’m attracted to the gravitational pull from Uranus since it is so big, and I cannot lie.
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing.
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
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