My Aunt with half a plate left: I don't think I can eat anymore, this meat is just not appealing to me.
Me: Have a potato, it has a peal.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.
Is your name Rapunzel, cause I need a girl who never leaves the bedroom and constantly wants me to pull her hair?
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
Wow, you're undeniably exothermic! I bet you get that reaction a lot.
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
I'm an outfielder – I'll catch you.
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
I like your wart, want to see a few of mine?
A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
"You need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed often, and by someone who knows how."
- Clark Gable, Gone with the Wind (1939)
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
Nice asteroids.
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
Hey baby are you a boxer? You should try it, because your one hell of a knock out!
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
Green is the most relaxed color in the rainbow, it's so jade back.
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
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