What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
The farmer cried wolf when all his three pigs were mauled by the jungle wolf.
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
You’re the gravy to my turkey.
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
Do you have any Sriracha sauce? Cause you fire me up!
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
Reading is a novel idea.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
Pumpkin Spice season is finally here, better latte than never.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.
Are you the British museum?
‘Cuz you stole my (he)art
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?
Are you a phone? Because I want to hold you in my hands all day and ignore the rest of the world while I stare at you alone in my bedroom.
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