"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!
I'm local, all natural, homemade and certified organic: wanna taste?
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
I'm not a very good swimmer, do you have any lifeguard experience?
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
What do you call a fish whith a car? A carfish!
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
You’ve been here for short while, but my heart is beating really fast and I can feel some surface tension between us.
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
I’m not an astronomer, but I still promise to give you the sun, moon, and stars.
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
For a fatty, you don't seem to sweat much.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
I just brushed my teeth, ladies.
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
It seems like you have the answer to my math problem. What are your digits?
What do the Scottish cars wear as hats?
Flat-caps.
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