What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
The pint’s the limit.
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.
What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
The weather is almost as beautiful as you, m'lady.
You are my semicolon; always present in everything I do.
Vogue just called; they want to put you on the cover.
Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"
Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky!
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
Beauty is only pig skin deep
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
What did the koala radio host say before going on a commercial break? “We’re going to take a small paws for our sponsors.”
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
What is a flower’s favorite Journey song?
Don’t stop be-leafing.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.
Hey Baby, wanna find out why they call me Pumpkin-Head?
Hey, baby, you’re not Paradise Lost, you’re Paradise Regained.
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