What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
I'd definitely let you join in my reindeer games.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
"I now pronounce you dumped and single. You may now kiss my ass."
My love for you is like a Trojan Horse, it’ll sneak up on you when you least expect it.
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
I see we’re both doing Pigeons!
Why was the Copper Mountain skier taken to the emergency room?
He hurt his ski bum.
Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
What's the difference between an owl and an Irish funeral?
One's awake in the night and the other's a wake in the day.
Wish upon a starfish.
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
Keep calm and carrot on.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
I’m feelin’ pine.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
Is it hot in here or did you just use 'whom' correctly?
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
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