“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem

What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.

"I whip my hare back and forth."

Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.

How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.

Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.

When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."

"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope

What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.

What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.

How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!

“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero

When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.

What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me

Why are cars so cheeky?

Because they are fuel of it.

Are you a fruit, because Honeydew you know how fine you look right now?

A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."

What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.

How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”

"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling

Are you made of apples? Cause you sure look sweet as pie.

Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.

I know you are a goalie but I hope you don’t stop me from scoring tonight.

She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup

Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north

Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon

Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book

Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg

(Mike Gentile)

Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!

Your gloves are nice. Where did you get them?

[Drink] That’s a thirst down!

I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.

"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous

"Baby, let me hack your pentagon."
- Person of Interest

As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."

What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.

What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.

What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted

What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.

Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!

I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.

Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good

Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.

What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"

It’s time to say Versailles to France.

What’s the difference between me and your socks? I’m not yours anymore.

What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"

I love your energy.

I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.

I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"

Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.