What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
Tonight, I’m on a hunt for your number.
I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
Girl, you're such a Banff (i.e., a Bad Ass, Nice, And Fascinating Female).
The boot black brought the black boot back.
Hey girl, my gold medal might be shiny but it looks like a dull penny compared to that sparkle in your eyes
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
Why wouldn’t the ghost eat liver? He didn’t have the stomach for it.
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
Irish you were beer.
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
Live to tell the tail.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
Are you a cat? Because you're purrrrrfect.
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
Hey girl, are you the sun? Because you’re the center of my universe.
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
How do you keep a dog from smelling?
You hold its nose.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
We have great chemis-tree.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
No one likes eating outside in the winter.
It’s frost come, frost served.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
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