What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
Are you from history? Because your body looks royal.
What do you call a goat that lip-syncs?
Billy Vanilli.
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
The bread actor was sad because he lost a juicy roll.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
Hypochondriacs aren't OK
The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
Do you have a library card?
So you can check me out?
No, because my cat just died and I need to find a book about cat funerals.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him in chess.
Check matey!
Read a story about two people who stole cars driving into each other.
Must have been Bonnie and Collide
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
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