Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
"Will you accept this rosé?"
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lock
Lock who?
Lock who it is, after all this time!
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
How many eyes does a spider have? Doesn't matter, cause all of them are on you.
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
Do you know the difference between a wasps and a bee? A wasp is mean and aggressive… but Abby is sweet and cute
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
Hey babe, I think its about time we cancel our gym membership. We're not working out anymore
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
Hey girl, I can't wait to see your body - of Christ.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
Eosin is red. Collagen stains blue. I’m stuck prepping slides, but thinking of you.
It’s time to say Versailles to France.
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
What do you give a sick penguin?
Tweetment.
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
It's not you...it's your taste in music.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
Babe, your beauty throws me off-beat
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
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