The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
I thought this was a bar, but I must be in a museum because you’re a piece of art.
Went camping last night. It was in-tents.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
Your batteries must be low after hiking all day. Can I recharge them?
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
Can I be Candide with you?
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
You’re such an adventure, let me explore you.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
Hey girl, these swimming pool lane lines can't keep us apart.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
Is your name Ariel? Because I think we mermaid for each other.
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
Who’s ready to party their shamrocks off?
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
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