My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust

Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.

It says right here that this frozen pizza is enough for two.

What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.

For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.

How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.

What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!

A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.

My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!

I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.

I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."

How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265

Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!

“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”

- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.

Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.

How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.

What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?

“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg

Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.

I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!

Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.

Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."

Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.

I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'

The Optimist said 'The door is half open'

The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'

What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.

These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.

It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.

- Janice Canerdy

Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case

Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.

Unicycle? Girl! How about U-‘n’-I cycle?

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

Falling in love with you takes less time than my DNA takes to replicate.

Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!

Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!

Were you born on the Bluenose? Because baby, you're a dime.

My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.

I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.

“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan

Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.

What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.

The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.

Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.

What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.

“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”

- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’

Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.

How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.

It was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.

What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?

Hey baby, can I get your phone number? Oops, too late.

There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.

(William Robinson)

Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.