How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
Do you know the Tango? Because you're dancing away with my heart.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel.
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
Why did the forest ranger never put their tent between fires
because if they did the tents would be in a across fire
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
Do you find bone puns humerus?
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications
What dog does Dracula own?
A blood-hound.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
Ariana look-out for someone to date? Because look no further!
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
You must be Australian because you've turned my life upside-down.
Babe, are you a virus? 'Cause, you're having an effect on my whole body.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
You’re my lucky charm.
Flashier Great Tits Produce Stronger Sperm, Bird Study Shows.
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
What do gnomes love to sing while gardening?
Gnome Worry, Bee Happy.
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
Call me a pirate and give me that booty.
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
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