Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
Lady, you mak me All Shook Up and wake my Animal Instinct
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
I “lub” you.
Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
Are you that one more chapter? You keep me awake most of the time.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
Babe, your beauty throws me off-beat
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
What is a deer’s favorite meal?
Deer-ner!
Aria free next Friday for dinner?
Hi, my name's Pogo. Wanna ride on my stick?
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
I’m no adjective; I would never want to modify you.
Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
It's hunting season and fox like you shouldn't be out in the open!
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
Excuse me, but I think I dropped something! My jaw.
I'd like to practice some of my penalty kicks with you.
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