You’re unbeleafable.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
Where does a fisherman go to get his hair cut?
The fisherman goes to a bobber shop!
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
"The Centipede"
I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.
– May Fenn
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
I have a bone to pixie with you.
Why did the vegetarian stop running cross country?
He did not like the meets.
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
Can I help you carry your groceries to the car?
You must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
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