For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
A day with you is like an eternity of behind-the-ear scratches.
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
Where is the Ghost’s bedroom located? Down the Hall-oween.
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.
"Just looking on the sunny side."
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
Why did the volleyball players line up from shortest to tallest? The coach wanted the team to switch from a 5-1 line up to a 6-2.
How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
You must be a magician, because everytime I look at you, everyone else disappears.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
A fortune-teller told me you’ll give me your number tonight. Was she right?
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
The last one to the top of the mountain has to buy dinner.
You're so beautiful, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of you.
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
Have you seen the Greek book that became a movie? You odyssey it.
Q. Why was the gorilla's jungle party so lame?
A. Because theyran out of chimps and dip.
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
You and I make a deluxe combo.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
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