All stereos are so typical.
I wanted make a joke about the ocean, but it's too deep
History teachers are the worst gifters
They always think about the past, not the present.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.
You snow the drill.
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
I'm usually not very prophetic.
But I can see us together.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.
With long legs like yours, you don't need high heels.
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
How do you pronounce Jasmine? Because in my head it’s “Jas-MINE”.
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
You have a body like the North Star. Wise men will follow it.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
What did the man say after spending hours skiing?
"I'm starving, can I avalanche?"
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
You’re brew-tiful!
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.
Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)
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