"So… Do you like cheese?"
- Duke, She’s The Man (2006)
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
Hey baby, you got any diseases? Want some?
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.
You breathe oxygen too? We have so much in common!
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
Why was the bucket so embarrassed at the beach?
Because of how pail it was.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
Are you sure we haven’t had a class together before? I could have sworn that we had chemistry together.
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
Your fur is red, so beautiful, like an angel in disguise.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
Scientists have recently discovered a rare new element called Beautium. It looks like you are made of it.
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
Forget Santa, you’re on my nice list.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.
What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
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