"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
Are you a flower? Because I'd love it if you planted one on me.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
Has anyone ever told you that you look like an ancient Chinese scroll? Because I can't stop looking you up and down.
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
Did you hear about the bread party? It’s scone be a lot of fun, and wheat love for you to join us.
"Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?"
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
Are you a corn farmer? Because I'm stalking you
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
What did the chemist cowboy tell his horse? HIO Ag!
Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring? Because he heard it was 18 carrots.
Only a**holes use bidets.
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
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