Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
If my life was a cake. Then you'd the cherry on top.
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Your treat or mine?
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible."
People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago."
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
They found a plant that cures COVID-19!
It’s called plant yourself on the couch.
So, are you the kinda guy to Lu-kiss and tell?
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
I summoned the dragon just for you. Now its time to make your wish come true.
I would totally carve your pumpkin.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
You're like an exothermic reaction, you spread your hotness everywhere!
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.
You're like my favorite candy bar, half sweet, half nuts.
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.
CRIME: Sheriff Asks For 13.7% Increase
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
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