Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
Is your nickname Mercury? Cause you look habitable.
Do you have my other lung? Because I’ve been LUNG-ing for you.
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
I‘m no photographer, but I can picture us running together.
Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Are you from another world? You look like my love from another star.
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Do baseball players ever wear armor?
Only during knight games.
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!
That Marchesa dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Hey baby, are you a shrink? 'Cause I went nuts when you walked by.
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
Go to BabaMail
