Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.
If there was no gravity on this planet, I would still fall for you.
Sip, sip, horray!
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
Here in Australia it's already tomorrow, wanna know what we did last night?
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
Baby are you an angel? Because I'm a atheist.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Pasta!
Pasta who?
Italian chef who pasta away.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
Yo baby, you want to see me solve a quadratic?
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Got plans for leftovers, yet?
Girl you are like the sweet song of a choir.
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
I have no idea how you can look so great pre-coffee.
Hello there, how do you brew?
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese.
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
Why was the crocodile invited to glamorous parties?
Because she was a snappy dresser.
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