When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
Hmm, there seems to be a kiss of mint in this blend. How about a real kiss, just to be sure?
It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater!
What is a polar bear’s favorite food?
Iceberg lettuce and snow peas.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
What do planets like to read?
Comet books.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
I wish I was a Trypanosoma Cruzi so I could live in your heart.
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
Ah! The element of surprise.
Come, let’s measure the coefficient of friction between us.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
I have a connection to make, but first I want to connect with you.
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
What do you call a werewolf that's found the cure for lycanthropy?
A lycan'tthrope.
Haida there, gorgeous.
I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
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