Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
Silent Violin for Sale
No strings attached.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
What do the astronauts put on their lunch toast? Space jam.
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
You sweep me off my feet!
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
"There's no bunny like you."
I want to ask you out, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots…
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
Kiss me! Let me taste your sweet lips before the asteroid destroys earth
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
Did we fall from the sky? Because we look pretty broken up right now.
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
You seem a little mer-mad.
A fortune-teller told me you’ll give me your number tonight. Was she right?
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
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