A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
How was heaven when you left it?
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up. You must've been made by Intel to be that hot!
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Howie.
Howie who?
Howie gonna hide this affair from your husband?
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
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