What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden.
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
I always like to keep my place stocked with coffee and breakfast food in case I don't wake up alone.
Have you been to the doctor's lately? Cause I think you're lacking some vitamin me.
I know you don’t Naomi, but I hope you will soon
What do you call a pig who does karate?
A pork chop.
You’re so hot you make my lab goggles fog up.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Will you give me your number or will you let me spend the whole night guessing the digits?
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
Girl you're looking like a snack and I'm going on a diet.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.
How does a horse tow its trailer?
With a Ford Bronco.
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
CRIME: Sheriff Asks For 13.7% Increase
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
You’re a woman from East Transylvania
Dating Dracula, with his weird mania.
He asks you each night
To go out for a bite —
An experience certain to drain ya.
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
The last one to the top of the mountain has to buy dinner.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
Where do the astronauts park their vehicles? At the parking meteors.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Goose
Goose who?
Goose who's knocking at your door again!
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
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