There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
My magical watch says you aren’t wearing any panties. Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!
Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
I hit a crow in my truck one day, and it flew into the next lane and landed on a police car. I was ticketed for flipping the officer the bird.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
Charlotte, would you char-let me rock your world?
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
Are you wi-fi? Cause I’m totally feeling a connection.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
I'm not a hipster, but I could make your hips stir.
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
Your shirt must be made out of husband material.
Have you ever wondered if illiterate people would get the full effects of alphabet soup?
The huddle is real
Roses are red, violets are blue, trash is dumped and so are you.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
I think you might be a star, because I can't stop orbiting around you.
I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!
I went on a mission trip and all I ended up doing was mission you.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Theodore!
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open so I knocked
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
I can score from multiple positions.
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
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