What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
I don’t know what I’d do without you, but starting tomorrow I’m going to give it a try.
What do you call a cloud that looks like a mermaid?
Aerial.
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause, you look out of this world.
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
Man: Your face must turn a few heads!
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs!
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? Strawberry jam.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
I need an Imodium because I can't hold in my love for you.
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
I'm researching the most common digits in phone numbers. What's your number?
Why did the ghoul become green?
It was sick of eating brains!
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
I really like you. So does my wife.
Are you from a fairytale? Your beauty is magical
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.
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