Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
Well well, you’ve John and got my attention for sure
If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.
Why won’t you ever find a unicorn in the army? Because they don’t like wearing uniforms.
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."
I've been called a dirty player but lets just see how dirty we can get tonight.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
I’d be Carol-ying if I said you weren’t absolutely stunning.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
Why couldn't the father afford to take his kids to classical music concerts?
Because he was Baroque
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
I’ll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy!
Baby, you remind me of my spice cabinet - cuz you got a fine grind going on.
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
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