Are you tinsel? Because I want you all over my tree.
You are my loop condition. I keep coming back to you.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
When I first saw you I looked for a signature, because every masterpiece has one.
Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”
Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
Buckle up! It is time for re-entry.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you before GLY
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
I do not want your candy, what I want is your number.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
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