What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
I'm no Jane, but I'd Eyre on the side of saying I think you're beautiful.
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
Are you a flower? Because I'd love it if you planted one on me.
People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
Halloween is over. Why are you still dressed as an angel?
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
What kind of berry has a coloring book? A crayon-berry
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
I’m like the smell of chlorine – I’ll never leave you.
Go to BabaMail
