What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
All I want is to fill that vacuum in your heart.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
I’ll never leaf you.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?
Don’t worry, beer happy.
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
I call the shots.
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
I would like to end this sentence with a proposition.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
I'll be home for Christmas—and I want you to come with me.
Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.
The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.
Are your highways? Because I want a long drive on you.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
My bowing arm is pretty sore… Because you just made my tremolo.
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
Nice asteroids.
Kicking Baby Considered Healthy
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
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