For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
"If it's meant to be it's meant to be....but just to be clear it isn't."
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
If we were playing tennis, I'd let you score all the points so I'll always be in love.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
Are you spaghetti? I want to put sauce on you.
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
Join us for plenty of play action.
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...
But it's hard to say...
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
Oxygen went on a date with potassium last night.
It went OK.
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
"I lava you."
Potato puns are a-peeling.
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
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