"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
Are you a sweet honeybee? Because you have stung me in the heart
County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
I Wanna Be Your Man
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
We got the news of a coming flood today. The news was leaked.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
What did the teenage rock say after failing its drive test? I don’t want to talc about it.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration, a guy sticks his location in a girl’s destination, to increase the population for the next generation. Did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
"You're not Mr. Right.... just Mr. Right Now."
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
I’ll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy!
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