Did you have sugar? Because you got a sweet smile.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.
I sure hope you know set theory, ’cause I wanna intersect and union with you.
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
Scientists have recently discovered a rare new element called Beautium. It looks like you are made of it.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
Why don’t clams give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!
If we cross lobster bisque and Elon Musk, what we have is a soup-er car
What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa nut.
Are you fossil? Because I want to date you!
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
You're by far the prettiest girl here. The 'Liberty bell' of the ball.
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
Don't even chai.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Has anyone told you you have the best smile ever? Honestly, its Nat-a-lie!
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
Are you being a ghost for Halloween, or are you just my boo?
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