"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
Are you a fairy? Because you are the fulfillment of all my wishes.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
Girl, are you a train? Because I choo choo choose you.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
You see me, do you need glasses or something?
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
You're the ruler of my heart.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
You must be phylum because you seem to be above class.
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
May I have your number, so we stop being strangers?
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
The goal nine yards
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
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