How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
Is your name Succinylcholine? Because you’re paralyzing.
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
"Bugs and hisses."
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
What kind of berry has a coloring book? A crayon-berry
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
What is the capital of Greece?
G.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
Wow, we really matched? I guess we’re simply Seb-posed to be
I would love to show you first class.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
We’re calling your number.
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
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