I sneezed in the bank today, it was the most attention I have received in the last 10 years.
If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Are you a thief? Because you stole a year of my life.
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
"I am a leaf on the wind... in bed."
- Firefly
It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”
Hey you long legged girl with the short dress on. I finally found you!!
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
I would hate to see you go, but I love watching your leaves.
Hey baby, let me take you on a trip around the world.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
It took God seven days to make the world but it'll only take seven digits for you to change mine.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
My love for you is like the universe… never-ending!
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
I must be a Snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
Man: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
Woman: Okay, but would you stay there?
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
My pink bird friend got dumped a while ago. He was sad for a while, but now he’s singe and ready to flamingle.
Hey baby, you know what sounds good? You and me never speaking to each other again.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
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