"Going out with you would be my biggest break since the rural juror."
- 30 Rock
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
Q: Why could the fruits not see anything?
A: It was peach black there.
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.
I normally fish for trout but I'll make and exception for you.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
Eosin is red. Collagen stains blue. I’m stuck prepping slides, but thinking of you.
Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
I have these chicken n_ggets. Now all I need is U!
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
The superconductor left without resistance.
What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because honestly, Karen, you are a demon.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
Why don’t we go somewhere where I can stick a candle in your jack-o-lantern?
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
Is your name Wi-fi? Because I'm really feeling a connection.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
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