How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
You’d better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart.
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
Man: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
Woman: Nah, it was plain bad luck!
Birch, please.
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I’d be in a higher tax bracket.
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
I don't think there's anything hotter than chocolate but hey! There you are in front of me.
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
I love when you coddle me.
There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met. Goodbye.
I can be your travel pillow.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.
What do you call a small scoop of ice-cream? A uni-cone.
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
Some see a puddle of mosquito larva.
I see a pool of enbitenment.
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
You feel like that old book tucked away in a corner – one look at it still makes my heart skip a beat.
You smell... We should go take a shower together.
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
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