What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?

A mist conception.

They consider a million years ago to be Recent.

How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.

Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.

My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.

"I've found some bunny to love."

What do polite whales always say?
You’re whale-come.

Halloween is over. Why are you still dressed as an angel?

What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.

“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin

What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.

The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.

When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!

Did your parents work on The Manhattan Project? Because you’re the bomb!

Hey, are you a campfire? ‘Cause you’re super hot and I want s’more.

I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.

What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.

Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.

A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”

We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”

“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”

Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!

Are you that one more chapter? You keep me awake most of the time.

Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.

What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain

The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.

If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.

How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!

What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.

What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.

What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.

My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.

What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.

Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.

Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.

Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean

What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!

There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.

"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long

What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.

Wow, two teaspoons? Lucky for you, I’m a pretty good spooner myself.

I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.

“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell

Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!