Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
You’re photos are so great, would it be weird if I made you my screen Xavier?
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
Why did Tony go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date!
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ireland!
Ireland who?
Ireland you money, if you promise to pay me back.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
I can score more often than the average soccer player.
The huddle is real
If you were an element you'd be francium because you're the most attractive.
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
Hey there cyclist, is that your kickstand, or are you just happy to see me?
If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
You're such a treat that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
I love spending koala-ty time with you.
I'm cold just thinking about Canada. Let's cuddle.
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
Girl, let me take you home and show you my advanced statistic.
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.
Are you a tenor? Cuz you're the only ten I hear
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