"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley

How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.

A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.

Has a guy ever walked up to you just to tell you how beautiful you are?
They must have been much drunker than I am.

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey because he's already stuffed!

It was a great fire. It was a bon-fire.

My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.

My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.

Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.

What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.

What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.

Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."

The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.

"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown

Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.

A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.

What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.

I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.

Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!

The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.

The leech, who is good at drawing blood, applied for a job in an art gallery.

Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.

Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.

I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.

What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!

Girl, are you Netflix?
Because I love watching 'you.'

What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.

What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!

Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"

Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.

My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"

There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.

“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown

What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.

Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.

How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime

What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.

How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!

Is it a sin that you stole my heart?

Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!

Hi, I hear you’re good at algebra… Will you replace my X without asking Y?

Are you a healing plant? Because Aloe you Vera much

What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.

What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”

Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!

What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.