What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
All you need is MY love
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to answer the door?
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
Is it hot in here or did you just use 'whom' correctly?
They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
Hey girl… Can I call-cu-later?
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.
I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.
But I decided it was poor taste.
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
Ah, I always knew all Alexanders were Great
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
When the wolf stood on the grape, the latter said nothing but let out a little bit of a wine.
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
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