My coach told me not to get my heart rate over 160 today, but then I screwed up when I saw you!
What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
I can keep increasing the resistance on my bike, but I just can't resist you.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
Hey, babe. I think it's time we take our relationship to the previous level.
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!
Are you Hershey's chocolate? Because I would like one kiss from you.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
Hey, I just got my flight number. I’m just missing your phone number.
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
Look Honey, a cactus!
I haven't seen that many pricks in one place since your family was in for Thanksgiving!
The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I’d be in a higher tax bracket.
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
Who was the greatest dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
Hey girl, are you a Sharpie? Cause you are Ultra Fine.
The favorite drink for batman is a fruit punch.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
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