My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
Why is Frankenstein’s monster so popular?
He’s a real people person.
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!
Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
Q. What do you get when a swine artist mixes two colors together?
A. Pigment.
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
Where does a Portuguese skeleton live?
Lis-bone
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
Are you a pharmacist? Because I am a patient and I heard you are patient lovers.
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
You wanna score or just knock around some soccer balls?
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
Hey girl, are you Morphine? 'Cause, you take my pain away.
Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?
A UF-hoe.
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy all over in the morning.
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
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