A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
He threw three free throws.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.
The changing sea son.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amanda
Amanda who?
A man da fix your sink!
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.
Careful of that Earl Grey, it’s super hot! Oh wait, you don’t need to worry. It’s not as hot as you.
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
You: It's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section. Because you could melt all this stuff.
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
I‘m no photographer, but I can picture us running together.
What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"
Are you on the drumline? Because I want to play with your stick
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
Wish upon a starfish.
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
I value my breath so it would be nice if you didn't take it away every time you walked past.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
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