What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.

When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'

What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"

What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.

“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad

You be Yankee Doodle, I'll be the pony.

But wait—there’s myrrh.

Who was the greatest dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.

It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.

Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!

What happened when the turkey got into a fight?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster

“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”

Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.

The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!

(Unknown)

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.

Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.

Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.

It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.

I just can't take the bad s*x anymore.

Why did the gorilla have to visit the vet?
He wasn't peeling well

Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!

What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.

I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.

Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.

What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.

Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?

There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.

How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?

What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.

What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.

“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”

- Guy Endore-Kaiser.

Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.

I don't work at this store, but may I be of assistance to you anyway?

The bartender asks one of The Beach Boys what they’d like, so he looks back to his friends
“Get a round?” “Round?” “Round?” “I’ll get a round!”

Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.

My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:

Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.

A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"

"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.

I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.

How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.

My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.

If I had Jack Sparrow's compass, it'd be pointing at you.

What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo