I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
You snooze. You booze.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!
Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.
This morning I saw a flower and I thought it was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen; until I met you.
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
"I am a leaf on the wind... in bed."
- Firefly
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
A fortune-teller told me you’ll give me your number tonight. Was she right?
Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.
Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota!
Mechanic said it could be car rot.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
You must be related to Alfred Nobel because baby you are dynamite!
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
The guy nearly saw a murder when he almost ran over his car over a couple of crows.
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Beats.
Beats who?
Beats me.
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