Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.
Unicycle? Girl! How about U-‘n’-I cycle?
Q. Where are deceased deer laid to rest?
A. In a moose-oleum.
When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by you again?
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
No taxation without representation! But, there is a kiss tax. Strictly enforced and right on the lips.
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
Once upon a Halloween night,
A coven of witches took flight;
They went to the UN;
Added an “F” to UN.,
From then on the world’s future was more bright.
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
Girl, If you were a fruit you'd be a can't-elope.
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
Why do horses make good lawyers?
Attention to de-tail.
I went on a mission trip and all I ended up doing was mission you.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
Tonight, I’m on a hunt for your number.
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
I want to live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?
Because she went to woo Han.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
I feel an attraction between the two of us that is more than just our physical gravitation.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
I could work with the elves in the ribbon-tying department because I'm a pretty knotty girl.
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
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