You must be the iceberg from Titanic and I'm the ship because tonight we're gonna smash.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Are you the energizer bunny cause you just keep going and going through my mind.
That skeleton over there wanted to ask you for your number, but, unlike me, he didn’t have the guts
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
You’re just like how I like my potatoes — sweet.
Are you a pile of soiled dishes? Because I want to spend the entire evening with you.
“I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
That’s a bit mulch.
Your name must be Summer because you are hot.
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
Sorry lady, I'll have to eat you after dinner.
Because you're a snack!
If you were a basketball, I'd never pass because I want to keep you all to myself.
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
Why did the ghoul become green?
It was sick of eating brains!
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
If a purple-colored fruit gets stuck in your drain, then you should call a plum-ber to fix it.
"Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back."
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.
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