I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
Are you one of Job's daughters?
Because you're twice as beautiful as any other girl I've ever seen.
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
I meditate about you. Will you do the same too?
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
My mom told me that life is like a deck of cards, so you must the be queen of hearts.
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
Except the direction I'm walking in.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ears
Ears who?
Ears another knock knock jokes for you!
How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
A priest is the best catch for a tiger as they like to prey.
Girl, you are so fine, I had to upgrade my graphics card just to admire your pictures.
A 9 hour time difference wouldn't keep me from you.
Are you a Victoria's Secret model? Because heaven's missing an Angel.
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
Roses are red, potatoes are brown; you are my favorite spud in the whole town!
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
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