What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? Because you are BeAuTi-ful.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.
How hot does your gas oven get?
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it’s kangaroo.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peeling
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
No taxation without representation! But, there is a kiss tax. Strictly enforced and right on the lips.
What do you call for injured ants?
The ant-bulance.
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
Fred fed Ted bread and Ted fed Fred bread.
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
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