Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their web site!
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
Do you climb? Because baby I can be your rock
Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
How do camels blend in?
With camel-flage
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
I less than three you.
The fact that I've met you shows that God loves me.
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
I read dead people.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!
Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around." ~ Christina Stead
When the defender was put in the box for spearing Jaromir Jagr, he
complained "but it was only a poke-Czech!"
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
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