Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
Are you from Sheffield? Because you’re steeling my heart.
You should go back to my house and make it hot. It was so cold at night.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
I was so amazed by your beauty that I had to run to the wall over there. So, I need to get your number and name to claim my insurance.
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
I bet you’re really flexible.
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
I summoned the dragon just for you. Now its time to make your wish come true.
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
Were you born on the Bluenose? Because baby, you're a dime.
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones
My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
By any chance, is your atomic number 11? Well, it’s because you are sodium fine!
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
Go to BabaMail
