This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.

My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.

What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?

What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.

What did the car call his new band?

Back Seat Boys.

I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.

Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.

Yoda one for me!

Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.

What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!

“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown

Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?

What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.

How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.

My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.

Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!

What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.

"I've found some bunny to love."

What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.

Hear that sound? (cup hand to ear) Yep- that's a dump truck, and it's coming for you!

What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”

What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.

Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!

"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown

The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.

Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.

Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!

What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!

What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.

"Sweet Tooth Andy"

Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.

– Denise Rodgers

I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.

Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France.

Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.

What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.

I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.

The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.

“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer

Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.

Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum

The huddle is real

Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.

What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.

What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.

I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.

Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.

I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.