Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
Are you bad WiFi?
Because I'm feeling no connection here.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the ONe.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
I am struggling to carry with this hiking but your great glow has kept me going.
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
"How does it feel?"
she asks what.
"To be the only star in the sky.'
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
We should get some coffee because I'm liking you a latte.
On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
You Eliza-bet I’m asking you out right away
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
Are you an owl?
I'm not a snowman, but woman, you make my heart melt.
One should always practice what they peach.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face? A mouse-tache!
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
"Going out with you would be my biggest break since the rural juror."
- 30 Rock
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
I have a snake and he wants to enter your garden.
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
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