"The Centipede"
I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.
– May Fenn
Girl, are you the Wuhan Corona Virus?
Because you’re taking my breath away.
Do you know the difference between a wasps and a bee? A wasp is mean and aggressive… but Abby is sweet and cute
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Mermaids always drink mermosas.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
You must be from Prague, because I can't help but Czech you out.
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
The square root of all my fantasies is you.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
Do you comma here often?
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
I took one Luca at you and I honestly couldn’t resist
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
Okay, here’s the deal: I’ll let you take the last stuffed crust frozen pizza if you let me take you to dinner. At your house. Where we’ll be having frozen pizza.
You’re the gravy to my turkey.
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
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