What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
What do gnome mothers often say to their naughty children? Wait till your father gets gnome.
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
Are you my phone charger? Because without you, I’d die
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
How do fish get high?
Seaweed.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Looking for some hunka hunka burning love?
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
"You give me premature ventricular contractions. You make my heart skip a beat."
- Natalie Portman, No Strings Attached (2011)
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
Wow, you’re gorgeous. I’m definitely in Awe-stin of you.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
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