Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
Snow thank you.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside!
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
Adam? More like ahh-damn.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
How about we skip the hors d oeuvres and head straight for the digestif?
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Do you squat here often?
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
Are you hypokalemia? Because you make me feel weak at the knees.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
Europe early this morning!
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.
Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
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