If I could rearrange the alphabet...
I'd leave it the way it is.
What does it feel like to be the most gorgeous girl in the room?
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
How do you throw a space party? You planet.
How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Thanks shallot.
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
With long legs like yours, you don't need high heels.
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
Wanna churn butter with me?
Girl, you give me the butterflies.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
"Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?"
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
If you were a tree, you'd be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
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