here do lobsters go to borrow money? The prawn broker.

I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.

Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.

How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.

What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.

I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.

You’d better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart.

I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.

I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.

Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!

What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner

“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”

- Jodi Picoult.

Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.

Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.

How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!

“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”

There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

Are you alone? Nice to meet you, me too.

Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.

Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.

The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.

I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.

What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.

When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.

It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.

I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.

"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous

A round of Santa-plause, please.

Serve up some Dad Jokes at your Father's Day BBQ
Make 'em eat Pop-Corn

What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.

I’ve learned that milk promotes beauty. But how much have you been drinking so far?

Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.

Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.

“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey

"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr

What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist

What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.

Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.

Feel my shirt. Know what it’s made of? Wifey material.

Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king’s kitchen.

I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.

We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!

Did the Lord take the thunder from the skies, and put it in your thighs?

Could I have your name and number for my prayer list?

If a cat broke your computer...
Would it be that an error has o-purred ?

What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!

Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.

"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman