What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
Do you like whales? Cause I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
How did Dr. Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster?
On a piece rate.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
Your eyes are so blue I feel like I'm in the sky when I'm with you.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."
What do you say you poke-check me real quick?
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
I like you so much that I’ll give you my real number. Not the fake ones I give to all the other guys.
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