How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”

I was going to read Proverbs 31, but then I realized I could just study you instead.

What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”

You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye

What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.

I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...

A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.

Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.

Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.

“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown

Do you know why Uranium is my favorite element on the periodic table of elements? That’s because I love U!

I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.

I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.

Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!

What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.

What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.

What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.

Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!

There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.

“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child

What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.

Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.

When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.

Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!

A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.

What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift

Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.

Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.

Is that the Helix Nebula I’m currently observing? Oh sorry! That’s your eyes.

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

I used to fear giants.
Now I look up to them.

Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.

Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.

Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.

What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.

"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers

It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.

People really liked the new king's coronation day peach. He truly deserves the throne.

We’ll have a splash-tastic time.

Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.

Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.

Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy

What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."

Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.

“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes

What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel

A brain aneurysm would be swell.