I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
Are you the opening night? Because you make me nervous.
Summer is just floating by.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
You must be a ninja, because you snuck into my heart
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
I’ll always be running-back to you.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board
Whoops, wrong sub.
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
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