I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
How much does a polar bear weigh? Less than you, I would guess.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Green glass globes glow greenly.
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
Why are mice afraid of the water?
Because of catfish.
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
You look like a vision in your dress tartan.
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
Baby, you rock my world!
Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
You are the hottest thing since sunburn.
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
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