I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
Girl, do you need to get your protein macros up? Because I'd gladly make you a drink
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
I used to believe in natural theology, but since I met you I've converted to divine revelation.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
What do you call a nervous baby ant?
A little antsy.
What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve got 3 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos in your basket. Marry me?
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
I bet you are the earth and I am the sun because you become hotter as we get closer.
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
Snow thank you.
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
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