Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
I can figure out the square root of any number in less than 10 seconds. What? You don’t believe me? Well, then, let’s try it with your phone number.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Is that an energy bar in your pocket, or are you just happpy to see me?
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
You’re like my coffee, you keep me up all night.
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
I couldn't chair less!
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
I would hate to see you go, but I love watching your leaves.
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
Why don’t elephants go to the beach?
Because their trunks always fall down.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
Which trophy has the most glitz? The Lady Bling.
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
What do werewolf like for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
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