“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
I want you to know I’m here for you no matter what, Alice. Tell me anything and Alice-en
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
I'm an outfielder – I'll catch you.
What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
Dad jokes are like Corona.
Everybody gets It but not everyone can laugh about It.
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
Swiping can be such dangerous territory, but I think I’ve a Safe Harper in this match
What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
Baby, you remind me of my spice cabinet - cuz you got a fine grind going on.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
You smell... We should go take a shower together.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
Hey, was your daddy a barista because you are ALMOST what I ordered.
You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
Are you a red blood cell? Because you never fail in delivering what my heart needs.
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do I smell like your mom/dad?
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