What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.

What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”

"I Can Rise And Shine"

I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!

Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.

Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers

Wow, you're undeniably exothermic! I bet you get that reaction a lot.

Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.

I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up. You must've been made by Intel to be that hot!

For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!

(William Cole)

Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?

It was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down.

What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.

An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.

What a great match, guess you could say its my Luke-y day

What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.

Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Sorry I'm so quiet this evening. You simply took my breath away.

My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.

I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."

“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown

How hot does your gas oven get?

“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown

I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.

Your profile pic is so cute. The human isn't too bad looking either.

Levi's should pay you a royalty.

"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel

How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.

Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.

I don’t know how to spell beautiful. all I know is without u, it’s impossible.

Are you in the Library catalog? I'd love to get you're number.

"This isn't easy and neither are you. I'm breaking up with you."

Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.

"Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas."
Esa Tikkannen

“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”

- Steve Ryan.

This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.

It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.

(Kevin Nishmas)

Are you from history? Because your body looks royal.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I have a gun, get in the van!

Why did the two puns go to camp together?
They wanted to be pun-kmates!

What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams

What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'

I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.

What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.

When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'

What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.

“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”

“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!

(Robert Graves)

Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!