I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
You must be Gisele Bundchen’s twin sister. You know the one no one talks about because she’s more beautiful than Gisele.
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
"Have a hoppy Easter."
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions?
A palindromedary!
When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
I know you love playing soccer, wanna play a soccer lover?
What did the chemist cowboy tell his horse? HIO Ag!
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
I want to ask you out, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots…
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay
I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra
I got stabbed 23 times
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
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