Four Battered In Fish And Chip Shop
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
A hot dog.
You're acute Valentine.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
It’s not you – it’s me. I don’t like you anymore.
What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
Which flower is known as the most ferocious flower? A tiger lily.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
That’s a-may-zing!
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
I’ve got my phone, and you have your phone number… imagine the possibilities.
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
I have to say “Hi” to the prettiest girl in the room… can you help me say “Hi” to that girl over there?
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
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